This is the tale of the knight who was beknighted “Big Party Knight” in Canada by his father, the former King. It all began a long, long time ago (about 15 political years) when the leader of The Big Red Party was caught stealing Canadian bacon off the backs of the local peasants in the market, coining the phrase “Canadian Back Bacon.” (Or so it is said in this fairy tale, it being ironic and full of nonsense.) Consequently, despite the evening tale spinners shouting their praises throughout the land, the Big Red Party remained very unpopular.
Now it so happened that The Big Red Party held a fund raiser and invited Shakespeare to be the guest speaker. When Shakespeare read the words from his play that “all the world’s a stage” it inspired the party to write their own play. The play would be a travelling road show presented all over the known world to gain votes from a new voting block of peasants who were unfamiliar with the Canadian Back Bacon scandals.
Now Canada was known for its strong beer, bacon, and maple syrup. So naturally The Big Red Party decided to lure the peasants from around the world with the promise of free beer, back bacon and maple syrup.
But how to get the global migrants past the royal tower guards along the border since it was illegal for people to sneak in without authorization? Certainly tens of thousands of peasants sneaking through the fields would not go unnoticed by the local peasants. An even worse problem was, even if they could get them past the royal border guards, how to get the local peasants to accept the global peasant migrants without a revolt.
Canadians were very well known to be nice and welcoming of people in need, but still, peasants entering the country that are better dressed than they and demanding the promised free beer, bacon and maple syrup, well that was a different matter.
So, the strategists came up with a plan. Since Canadians are so nice, we will appeal to their sympathies towards these peasant migrants. We will tell them the migrants are “irregular” and in discomfort, not “illegal”. “Who can’t relate to such a malady as being irregular?”, they surmised. Our catch phrase will be: “It’s not illegal to be irregular.” We can appeal to Canadian peasants by asking, “how would you feel if someone called you an illegal simply because you were irregular?” Almost everyone in The Party agreed that this was a genius plan, but some scratched their heads thinking it sounded like nonsense.
They asked, “but what about the opposition parties and the odd wandering talking head that might go rogue and reveal these migrants are actually regular, and just pretending to be in irregular discomfort, at least no more than the average citizen? What then?”
“No problem”, said the strategists, the United Nocents, has an entire range of shaming tactics to use against any wandering talking heads or hot head tale teller from another. Plus, we have the optics covered. The United Nocents has minstrels ready to tell tales of long lines of irregular peasants, waiting and in discomfort.”
“But what about all of the truly needy peasants and the people who have worked hard and grown old waiting to get into the country legally? Why don’t we just fix the legal peasant entry backlog? Won’t all of this illegal entry make the local peasants angry that the royal border guards have no control over our own borders?”
“Yes”, said the Strategists, “but we have a plan for that too. We’ll just say that they are shamefully trying to compare maladies by pitting peasants who suffer from irregularity with those who suffer from starvation and persecution.” A few of The Party members scratched their heads, but didn’t want to say it sounded like nonsense.
The Party signed onto the strategy, and the strategists went to work writing a play to perform all over the world. They also worked into the play the theme of the fairer sex’s rights to gain their votes.
The play was written, and the stage was set. The only remaining problem was finding a lead actor. One of the strategists said, “it obviously has to be someone with reasonably good acting chops, but not so smart as to realize they are actually a puppet in a play and not a serious actor.”
Just as he said this, the door burst open and in walked Big Party Knight, the son of their former leader and King. He was in black face, with a beer in one hand, and the other draped across the chest of a woman. Big Party Knight grinned and with glazed eyes said, “I asked where the party was and they sent me in here. Party on!” He then pulled out some grass, put it in his pipe, and began to smoke it.
“He’s perfect!” The Party said in near unison. Several of the strategists scratched their heads though and asked, “what will happen in the event that the peasants find out he is exactly the opposite of the role he’s playing. This black face and costume might not be overtly racist in his inebriated mind, but it’s disturbing.”
“Lighten up” said the others. “Black face costumes are only border line racist, and we can make up a story about his being a teacher of racism, not a racist teacher”. Some of the strategists scratched their heads. “But what about the wandering talking heads on our southern border. Some of them get really riled up insisting on their democracy and freedom to say what they actually observe.”
“Don’t worry about it. If anyone finds out, we’ll just tell them that Canadians are really nice, and Big Party Knight is a teacher, and he’s going to now teach everyone about racism and misogyny.”
And so it was that Big Party Knight became King of Canada. For many year he played his role well, convincing everyone irregularity was not illegal, and the fairer sex were very fair and forgiving. Big Party Knight also legalized the smoking of grass and made it available on every street corner. There was an inexplicable drop in IQ for young peasants around this same time, but they all appeared very happy so no one was very worried.
Just as The Party was really getting started, a wandering minstrel head wrote a lament titled “The Groper King.” Now, everyone knew that Big Party Knight was the groper. However, the fairer sex within the Libation Party was afraid to tarnish their image and appear unfair. So, they forgave Big Party Knight, and extolled the virtues of being fair and forgiving to Knights who grope women.
Then in a separate incident, a scribe from the south wrote a story exposing Big Party Knight with a drawing of him in black face, and practically groping a woman. The Libation Party had Big Party Knight rehearse his lines which he delivered flawlessly. “I am ashamed, and I can’t hardly believe myself how racist I was then. I’m just like all of you because, who among us hasn’t dressed in black face?”
The peasants looked around at each other very confused. Then someone leaning on a nearby pole kindly offered to verify if what Big Party Knight had said was true or not. The polester shouted “have any one of you ever appeared in black face? “No”, was the unanimous response. “Well, have you ever known anyone who’s appeared in black face?” Again, the response was a resounding “No”, except for one elegantly gloved hand. The pollster announced his official conclusion: “About 1% of Canadians even know someone who has appeared in black face. By the way, he added, the wealthy top 1% that keep us in servitude are Libation Party members”.
Big Party Knight then pleaded with the Canadian peasants to forgive him, but to no avail. The Canadians were tired of hearing about the so-called plight of the irregulars, when they could see that other peasants in the world were starving and persecuted and waiting in long lines to come to Canada. They were tired of Big Party Knight going off on luxury vacations with Kings of questionable intent towards Canada, and his funny business meddling in the market place protecting certain vendors.
So, with the catchy “Groper King” lament still ringing in their ears, and now the image of Big Party Knight in black face, they bade a quick farewell to Big Party Knight in Canada.
Big Fair Knight in Canada went on to win the election. Vendors of all kinds were welcomed to the Canadian Fair, and those who were suffering and persecuted were welcomed to share in the prosperity of Canada.
*Drawing by TV Tropes.